It is the 6th day of the year. Well, technically, it is now the 7th for me. In my world, it seems like the world is crawling. Do not get me wrong, I have done A LOT in this few days but things are not exactly going my way. Don’t we all enjoy life better when it is as we plan it? This morning, I woke up very sad. Oh my, you are probably wondering, should you not be on honeymoon and be all mushy with your new husband? Yeah, that is going perfectly well. Today makes it 2 weeks! I am having the time of my life! I digress. I woke up very sad this morning. I was completely useless. In an attempt to get me out of this lethargy, he dragged me out for a walk. I got tired pretty quickly and ended what was typically a 1+ hours walk. Back indoors, I lazed around, got frustrated about breakfast options, wished out loud for Indomie. I was so out of whack, at a point, he literally begged me to watch a movie, write in my journal, read a novel, watch TV, just do something. ANYTHING.
I eventually slept but I still could not place what was going on. Around 2 pm, I burst into tears and bawled my eyes out. I just could not take it anymore. This year IS supposed to be amazing. I am supposed to be on cloud nine, drifting in gratitude and joy. Why was I in so much emotional pain? You know that kind of pain, the type where you can literally feel the ache between your chest and you struggle for air. Yes, that kind. I began to ask myself questions and dig deeper to find the under lining cause of this pain. It was like a dam broke. How do I work smart in 2018? I am very tired of free jobs. How do I cash in on opportunities? Scratch that, what opportunities are there, to begin with? There are so many responsibilities now. How do I stay on top of my game? Why is this so hard?!! I have my goals all set out and plans of how to bring them to life. Why am I so afraid?!
At this point, I had finally reached breaking point. You may have heard of the term “Do It Afraid”. Yes, that one. I have a serious issue with that statement. 2017, I did a ton of projects afraid and they barely yielded much. Now now, we are all different. Some people have done stuff afraid and the results are beyond impressive. Sadly, that was not the issue for me. I will tell you why. By doing it afraid, I gave fear free reins. I did it anyway. Fear got in the way, clouded my judgement, got in the way of making smart decisions many times. I was very afraid of failure. I was doing things blindsided. I failed. Many times. Terribly. It hurt. Still hurts.
This year, I refuse to do things afraid. ABSOLUTELY REFUSE. No, count me out! This year, I would rather be intentional. I will be intentional about anything and everything. When fear shows up, I will choose to be intentional about speaking affirmations to myself. When anxiety sets in, I declare my power over it. I will not cower, shaking and do it anyway. I either do it and do it WELL, or I do not do it at all. That is the plan for 2018.
What is yours?
Happy New Year!